Conflicted Much?!

Oh dear, I seem to make a hash of things these days, I'm thoroughly conflicted!! In fact I think conflicted isn't even strong enough a word... What to do? Lemme explain my dilemma...

Fancy this, I think I could be falling in love, and falling fast at that!! That icky sticky feeling you have when you know you want to be around someone more than you would say a friend. I'm have this feeling that this could actually mess up the illogical mess that happens to be my life right now. Do I need any more complications, seriously now, I need to snap out of this already.

I've been talking to Mo for the past little while since he went back now (he lives in Barcelona) and am finding it harder to resist his charms. But we are in such different places right now that I'm sure our paths could ever really meet properly. Friends with benefits... I think that's what you could call us right now but in my head am not sure that's enough anymore. I love that we play with each other and can normally separate that from feelings but surely the fact that I now react when he talks of his other female "friends" speaks volumes...

He doesn't even live in the effin country - oh my lord! Heaven help, I pray that this boy isn't the one that breaks me, give me strength...

He's back again in a couple of day I need to get my mind off this like yesterday, there's only one cure... I need to get laid and fast. Maybe I'll call Mr "Suck it Bitch" again and see if he fancies redeeming himself.

UPDATE: 18/05/08, 23:45pm

Must say am feeling a little more at ease now... It really does help to blow off some steam sometimes (no pun intended)! With the kind of evening I've had let's hope it helps to calm my urges for a couple more days.

P.S. Lookie see what the lucky boy got to play with...

THE LOWDOWN

I love the way he throws me around - I'm his lil' toy and with him I love how we can role play. He treats me like a dirty whore he's hired for the night who's there to do his bidding and I love it. He's the only one I currently do that with and it's a turn on everytime. Enter Mr "Suck it Bitch" again. I normally either come dressed up in one outfit or another, it's such a major turn on for me. This time though I resisted the urge to and simply baby oiled every inch of my body up put on my sexiest black heels and Mac and headed out the door.

As I arrived at the door of his apartment, I was welcomed with a half smirk. As he led me down the corridor, his eyes tracing their way up and down my body longing for a peek at what was hiding beneath my coat.

We entered the bedroom. I turned around and dropped my coat seductively to the floor, peeking over my shoulder at him as he sat on the bed. I couldn't have felt more naked, his eyes baring down on me, moving slowly up my body. I could feel the wetness develop between my thighs. As I sauntered over to him I wrapped my loins around his making sure he got a good look of my breasts in the process. I came in gently at first and heard a strangled moan as he felt my tongue tentatively touching his lips, carefully sliding inside his mouth only to withdraw again, leaving him hanging. His own tongue darted out to taste mine. He tasted like cigarettes. Breaking the rhythm, I finally gave up my teasing games and kissed him in earnest, my grip on his crotch tightening to provide more friction.

We kissed as though our lives depended on it, heavy breathing, panting and hands that were once on his crotch made their way unknowingly to grab his broad shoulders, waist and tangle up in his hair. Control lost, I frantically sucked, kissed, and nibbled on every inch of him I could get my hands on feeling the heat between our bodies increase as we grinded on one another.

As his hands wandered down to my ass, I took this as a sign to proceed. My hands moved down to his torso I came upon the guardian of my salvation. Undoing his zip, I set the beast free and bwoy did it look hungry.

“Down,” he whispered, gently dragging me to the floor. After I removed his boxers, my mouth teased playfully with his manhood. I wrapped my tits around his cock and slid them up and down watching in earnest as his body began to contort in pleasure. This was closely followed by my mouth... I've always been a fan of giving head, I just can't seem to get enough of it. Give me a good enough dick and I can play for hours. Don't worry for all you voyeurs out there will explain my tricks later ;)

With his cock up and ready for action, I needed him in me. Surely it was now his turn to play. Crawling onto the bed, I looked over to him challenging him to match my display. And without hesitation he pounced. Spread my legs with willful abandon and holding them over his shoulders rammed me with such force I had to take a very deep breath in.

With some wild, impolite thrusting I felt him grow harder inside me, the soft moaning was now replaced with the sounds of "Oh yeah... ahhhh... baby... and that pussy feels so good..." Almost climaxing myself and my head thrown back, the shudder I had long been expecting came and pulling out of me he positioned me face first on his lap, slapping his dick against my face and tongue. And with that the smooth silky conclusion to our encounter spilled sexily all over my breasts...

Time for round two?!

The Game

Sex is a game. The players however can take many forms but the joys lie in both knowing the rules and being one of the best players on the pitch.

In most cases, the game is always the same but the players change and in my situation this is almost always true. There are however times when the players indeed determine the game.

Sometimes I need a good long screw... (I'm sure you know what I mean, none of that lovey dovey shit, just a good hard pounding - nothing more and nothing less). Here, I'm in what I call "fuck" mode. It's simple: there are basically three rules to follow;

• Fuck hard
• Fuck fast
• Fuck off

These rules are simple and I don't take any prisoners along the way. It makes it easier for me to separate feelings from the whole act and just scratch that itch. Sometimes unfortunately though it's not that simple. The lines get blurred and the other party is left wanting more than I can give them.

In my game, there are many players and luckily not one of them is the same, who'd want to be with different people that all did the same thing, doesn't that just defeat the purpose. To fully understand my game I think I need to introduce the players. Ideally I want one winner but am finding it difficult to choose that one guy/girl. Maybe you can help. Let me introduce the contenders...

There's a guy just like me who makes it easy to just be me. He was in my class the first time I saw him. 6'2" thug like mentality and a beautiful smile. I'd catch his eye a couple of times but had always rushed off after class to get to one thing or another so we had never really talked. One day things changed, and he actually came up to me. Dya know when you don't really expect something to happen so you don't hold out much hope for it and just dismiss it. That was how I was treating this. He walked over to me outside the library and just said hi.

Him: "So then, how are
you?"

Me: "I'm fine thanks,
wassup?"

Him: "Not much, I'm ......by the
way"

Me: "and I'm Maddie"

Him: "Maddie eh? strange name for a black
girl but I must say sexy though..."

Me: "Not too sure about that but thanks
anyway"

Him: "well no-one said I was talking about
the name but we'll let that be our secret"

And that was it, he simply walked off. Oh the cheek!! He knew exactly what he was doing, wanted me to really want him and yep I must say it worked. I thought that was the end of it til I got a text from an unknown number of couple of days later. It didn't say much but it was enough to get him back into my head again, I wanted to see him and blow me down with a feather we only lived around the corner from one another, an easy escape if I would need it...

It was late in the afternoon when I finally went round to his place. Not too late (I still had an escape plan in the back of my mind). As I stood naked in my apartment deciding on what to wear, my mind started to paint pictures as to what he would be like. Surely my judgement could be that bad. No more assholes please!!!

I keyed in his flat number and heard a voice beckon for me to come up. As the elevator went up I fixed my hair and applied another layer of my grape flavoured lipgloss (just in case don't you know). He came to the door - dang the boy was too fyne! As we made idle chit chat all I could think of was peeling the clothes off him and sitting astride his firm looking thighs. Perhaps it was movie time, that normally sets the right mood. *wink. I suggested a film in his room and although he seemed to contemplate the idea I'm sure he was just frontin' it honestly wasn't that hard to see what I had in mind.

I love the the feeling you get when you are about to embark on a new adventure: butterflies in the stomach, the moist build up between my thigh, the racing heartbeat. We sat on the bed as the movie intro began to roll he rolled over to me and turned me round to face him. He cupped my face in his hands and stared straight into my eyes. I could see the longing deep within his eyes. As he took his lips with mine my body melted into his arms. At first his tongue explored gently then as the heat between us grew he started searching with more heat. I could feel the friction between us. As his breathing became deeper, the hands started to wander. He carressed the now hardened peak that lay just underneath my shirt and flicked at it with his finger til it was fully erect. And then he looked me dead in the eyes perhaps in need of reassurance. With one look he got all he was looking for.

The clothes came off in a frenzy as his hands began searching. As his lips found my neck his hands made their way confidently down in beneath my thighs to the awaiting warmth. His hands were rough but welcome. As we lay in our nakedness he probed deeper and deeper inside me, stroking my opening as my body arched with the pure pleasure. Oh how I wanted to feel him inside me. Now it was my turn to play. I gently moved his hands and pushed him flat onto the bed so I could admire him. He was darker than I was, perfectly contoured and had a rock hard penis that looked like it wouldn't quit. That would be my next point of call. As I sat on top of him I nibbled on his nipple. Traced my tongue around it until it became hard in my mouth. I reached between my legs and grabbed his hardness in my hand. I could feel it throbbing between my fingers and wanted to explore it with my tongue. I made my way down his body leaving kisses along every inch. I grabbed the base of his cock with my right hand and started stroking slowly up and down his shaft. Starting with the tip I wrapped my lips around it and began stroking first with my lips then my tongue, pressing my tongue firmly against the side of him as my head bobbed up and down with pleasure. I could feel him contorting under me. As I sped up I could hear his breathing become shallower and then, just as I was really getting into it... "SUCK IT BITCH!" I prayed I was hearing things. See me wahala! This guy needed to be taught a lesson! I lowered myself onto him and began pounding away with him inside first slowly and then more furiously til I heard him moan out over and over again. I could feel him getting harder inside me. "Take that you son of a bitch... you like that huh... you dirty dog..." I was having too much fun. The faster I got the more he called out for more until he grabbed my ass and helped me ride him faster and faster until after a mini shudder I jumped off. I could feel his arousal start to die so placed his balls between my mouth sucked on them while I used my hand to finish him off. As his juices began to flow I let them drip all over my tits and stroked hard until every last drop came out, then helped with my mouth to clean up the little that was left. And with that he collapsed onto the bed... Head back and staring blankly at the ceiling I watched as his eyes closed slowly. I was ready for round 2 but he was still sleeping, shit how I hate that!

Mr "Suck it Bitch" was asleep so I made a hasty exit and left. Now it was up to him, maybe that call would come, maybe not. Either way I was good. I'd played my part to perfection; shame he had only participated in the first half of the game... As I made my way home, all I could think of was the porn waiting for me at home. I had not yet climaxed but give me 30 mins and I would finally get my own gratification *sigh.

Lost Innocence

I seem to be thinking a heck of a lot these days. Of life, love and the lessons I probably should have learnt along the way. I'm 22 and started early on this path of self destruction I'm currently on. I look back and try and think when I was ever able to call myself innocent. When did I loose my innocence? Did I ever have it to lose in the first place anyway? Was it taken away without my knowledge or did I willingly give it out...?

AO's "Missing the Innocence" sprang into my head:

I wish I wasn't waiting

This place gets smaller everyday

We all have characters and we know
the parts we play

We're actors and actresses,that's
all. Please take me away

I just want to start over

There are things I'd like to change

I miss the innocence, when the doors
all stood wide open

The sun's gone down on better days

If I let you know, nothing can last forever

I never thought everything would change

If I let it go, nothing can last forever

I never thought everything would change

Well, maybe I did. Just not today

I never thought that things would change

I miss the innocence

I think the song's about growing up and losing the innocence we all once had. The idea that you lose your innocence when you lose your virginity though to me is flawed!

By definition, innocence is "the state of being free from sin or moral wrong" so I suppose it depends what you consider a sin or morally wrong! Some of the things I do are perhaps morally wrong for the rest of society but not in my books. You cannot tarnish me with the same brush as others. I simply won't allow it. I think you really lose your innocence when you change who you are, and become just another gear in society. I am me.

Loving. Promiscuous. Kind Hearted. Adventurous. Sexually Deviant.

but that is me, here to stay I'm afraid. I may not be innocent in your eyes but at the end of the day there is only one person that can judge me and he doesn't reside on this Earth... My innocence comes by staying true to myself and my beliefs. Only when I give up on my dreams will I truly lose my innocence.

Breaking My Resolve

UPDATE: Make that 5 (oh dear...)

Who says it's easy to quit. I've tried my best to lay off men but seems I'm no good at it. Number 5! hot damn! Not to say I didn't enjoy it - ooh i really did but is that any reason to go ahead. And no condom either, I think I must seriously be losing my mind.

Mo came over last night. He's a lovely guy. Nice, caring and with these really beautiful dark chocolate eyes too, you just can't help but stare into them... AND he's older too. Such a bonus seems so many of the men around me are younger and so not ready for what I have to i offer.

We went for a walk, which lead to a drink and then into the bedroom... It all started with a film. As we lay cuddling on the bed, my hands started wandering. First down the nape of his neck and then onto stoke his back, and the smooth hairless contours of his stomach. Damn the boy is toned. With every caress I wanted to follow it with my lips, my tongue but that came in time. It's also been easy to turn men on, a sly look and a little bit of persuasion and he was all mine.

(We have history, months of lusting, half touching and just plain confusion. I want him, he wants me but is it ever that easy?!? There is always a complication. Always someone else in the picture... )

Tonight, he was mine. All mine and there was nothing that was going to stop us.

There are some people in life that are just meant to live with their head between your thighs! He is one of them. The head game was off the chain, mmmm. I personally love to give, it gives me such a sense of satisfaction when I watch them coil in pure enjoyment and moan as I rub my lips up and down their manhood. I take my time. Why not? Isn't the point of sex to enjoy. To fully savour the taste and smells of someone whilst at the same time providing pure elation. But let's get back to the image of his head between my legs. To be honest I'm not really sure how we got there, it all came about in a blur of searching hands. Pining me down to the bed, he forced my legs open and began searching with his tongue. Probing and exploring every nook and cranny of the soft nectar that was my p***y.

I wanted him to take me, probe into me and just stay there until we both reach climax. And he did take me but as I'll explain properly later it takes a very determined man to make me cum. You need to put the work in for such a long time that these days I think I'm very content to just reach a mental climax.

THE KISS

I always say you can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss you. Men and women alike, that first kiss can be a deal breaker. Luckily Mo's wasn't. *major sigh

There are times when you want to be kissed gently and have your lips nibbled on and then sometimes you want them to probe and explore you with their tongue bite down hard and then devour you quickly in a wave of lust. To me, the latter is normally the best. I do not like slow sex (seriously what is that all about). I fuck!! Plain and simple. Not to say I haven't made love to anyone before, I have, it just doesn't happen very often. ...Neway in the spirit of f*%#ing I'll get back to Mo.

His lips are beautifully formed. Perhaps a lil small for a black man but adequate enough. I wanted him to be more searching though, I swear he was food for the night and definitely on my menu. Mo Mo Mo mmmmmm, good enough to eat. I did devour him that night, every inch of his beautiful caramel skin he tasted so good... but now what next? Boyfriend material? Well perhaps but do I really wanna go there so quickly. I cannot be faithful it's a fact, is it one that he is willing to understand and accept though..?!?!?

signing off for now,

Maddie :)

Reflections

I called Mr X again today. *sigh. Who knew that one person could inspire so many mixed feelings in such a short space of time. He was once my bit of fluff so to speak... Fair enough I was seeing someone at the time but in my head he was 'the' main attraction. The one who made me feel special! But bwoy did I have rose tinted glasses, in retrospect no-one had ever made me feel that shitty. But think we'll get into that story later (a little too close for comfort right now).

So then the juggling begins, I always thing how I managed to hide it from them all for so long. Surely my lying skills can't be that good? Or can they?! Perhaps I'm just deluding myself - maybe they knew about each other all the time. Oh how the questions just seem to appear in my head. To get this out, is it best to start at the beginning or work backwards?! Which would I wanna hear good gone bad or vice versa....

I have slept with 4 men in the past week and a half, oh dear, what is it they say about old habits dying hard. And to think I had been good for 2 months previously (when Mr X left the country). Is it a need for attention or just pure physical desire? The first to break my first resolve was Mr Accountant. Mmmmm the boy did have good hands. I'd met him a few years back when studying and his house mate had been one of my best friends. Fair enough nothing had happened then 1. because thought I would never agree to anything and 2. he thought I was a "GOOD GIRL".

Funny how ironic that statement is. So many people say it and each time I just crack up inside. You see I have been blessed with a very deceptive face. All big brown doe eyes and a face that could melt a thousand ice cubes lol. Innocence eh, not something I'd associate myself with but then I know me. They obviously didn't. Close those bedroom doors and I'm all yours, no holding back get you up and ride you til all you can do is moan my name. Think we should get back to Mr Accountant though... who knew social networking sites could lead to so much extra curricular fun.

He'd been on my friends list and one day I changed my status. A little horny and feeling in a naughty mood, I said "Madison needs someone to take her frustrations out on". Who knew though that would lead to him emailing me... and then messenger conversations... and then..."sensual seduction" as Snoop would say. It still amazes me how a man can talk you into climax and then back down again. Is it surprising that I wanted to take it to the next level. Surely no-one can blame me. He had a way with words, all the things he promised to do to me when I got close enough. How he'd use his lips on me and explore EVERY inch of my body, top down for a full body service. And trust you me, I'd be more than willing to return the favour...

The Beginning

Day one of many to come...

Ever had so many secrets that you think you're just going to explode?! Well this is my dilemma. Hiding a part of yourself from the ones you love can lead to turmoil within. This is my way of speaking out to those I hold dear, those who I will never be able to tell my stories. The stories I speak of are my way of being me, not just a fraction of me but ALL of me. No more censoring, no more lies.

You are my audience and I thank you for being my outlet and my saviour